Total Logical Disconnect

Enjoy!

Running Commentary:

2-16-02

2-13-02

2-9-02

Well no more, no more. I think I'll spend a lot more time reading in my room from now on. It'll keep me from getting bugged about maintenance shit anyway.

I'm still amazed at the person who prompted Andrea to come up and give her little demotivational speech (I'm sure she intended it to not be what with all the bullshit about me going out there and giving the world all that I have to offer, but it woke me out of the abstract pointlessness of life from The Mysterious Stranger and brought me into my own lousy existence and how lousy I am as a person). Out of all the people in that could have suggested such a visit this was by far the most random, because this is not a person who I interact with on any but an infrequent and cursory basis.

Of course you do realize what all of this highlights, no? It emphasizes how little I impact anybody on a positive basis such that the one person to care, the one person who actually would do so much as send somebody else in to see me is a random. Gah! I am Jack's blocked trachea. I choke on my own rage at my impotence at life, at the world, at all of the suffering that I and every other human being have had to endure from the dawn of time for nothing. There's very little I care about anymore. I like a comforting hug now and then (oh well), distractions (few are powerful enough), and I'd like to end human suffering though that is the area that I'm most impotent in.

2-9-02

I want to let you know that I love you unconditionally and not just because you are my son

Silly me. Here I thought she loved me because I was her son. Little did I know that she loves me not because of that, but rather unconditionally instead. Gee, don't I feel like a nimrod.

At any rate, last night I went to see Amelie with a few people and I have to say that I was genuinely impressed. Just goes to show that even a rotten country like france can produce some actual talent every once in a while. This one's even better than Delicatessan and is a good example of elegant use of cgi rather than the blatant in your face style it's usually in.

At any rate, between that distraction and getting high for the first time in a while I didn't remember any of my dreams. Good riddance!

2-8-02

The only solutions I can think of are either sleeping in common space so at least there will probably be people around to shake me out of shit when I wake up or maybe find people to sleep with every night. It's amazing the power of a hug. Cuddling taks that and extends it over time. It's been a long time since I've cuddled with anybody.

Maybe I should call Jenn and seek some help from her in this department like the selfish bastard I am.

2-6-02

Oh, and I'd just like to state that nobody loves me. Yes, I'm loved in the "I'm your family, so I have to" sense and the "you're a Chateauvian and a casual friend of mine and I tolerate you" sense, but nobody loves me in a way that they don't love at least a dozen other people. Noobdy loves me in a special and/or unique way. If the choice comes between say spending time with me or ditching me and doing the same activity with somebody else I get dumped.

This isn't just my imagination! It happened to me today!

And it hurts.

It really does.

I feel that people around here don't believe that I have feelings. They don't see me as human, that I can actually be hurt emotionally. I wonder what it is about me that makes people think that. Hell, I'm in deep emotional pain almost round the clock. Especially when I'm awake, but ESPECIALLY when I'm asleep! Jesus, waking up and going to sleep, that time when your brain brings its issues to light and makes them very real in a way that dreams just aren't, jesus h. christ, that's my own personal Hell tailor made for me by myself.

I guess maybe that makes me the only one who "loves" me in a special way, though hate might be a more appropriate term.

Damn, I really need to get another sharpee. Writing shit on the wlls all over was almost my only therapy and pens really just aren't the same.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, I think I have a funny relationship with certain things. I don't want people to findout about them and yet I constantly alude to them. Something about the finality and the honesty of people knowing and yet I can just picture what little is propping my "life" up coming crashing donw around me should people know. There's the fantasy that it won't turn out anything like what it obviously would turn out like, but it's hard and tempting fantasy to part with. I'm very much not into discression, very much an honesty typer person, though I guess I'm learning to be dishonest as much as that pains me.

2-5-02

Oh, the other thing (before disgust turned me away) that I was going to say in my previous entry was that I think shrooms have opened up my creativity a lot. I feel that the barrier between reality and dream perceptions has lessened since my first trip and with subsequent trips.

2-5-02

I've seen very bad things
Seen into reality
And now I want out

Knock, Knock, "Who is there?"
"Someone who cares about you"
"Leave! You don't exist."

Awoke in nightmare
Only I was not dreaming
Reality mine

I figure I'll go put them up in Chateau somewhere.

So in other shit in my life I drank way too much Saturday at disorientation and threw up for the first time due to alcohol. Even with all that I didn't do anything scandalous or interesting. Just pissed 3rd floor MaHo off by using their bathroom and then passing out in the hall. I'm still not fully recovered. And I just learned disturbing things about Jenn's Saturday night. Pardon me for a second whilst I throw myself out the window/vomit repeatedly on the way down...

Right. Back now incredibly shakey though. So one might ask why I did that to myself over the week-end. Well if I'd have to venture a guess I'd say it was half punishment and half reward, which are really the same thing to me. So how about that other half? Well, that, like most of my thoughts and feelings at this juncture cannot be shared with the likes of, well, anybody. That's cause this world sucks for half of it and cause I suck for the other half.

God, I really am too disgusted with things to continue this right now.

1-29-02

Last night I wrote some terrible lyrics to a song that has a really cool chorus, but awful verses (both musically and lyrically), but that I can't share anyway so it doesn't matter. I finally crashed after wallowing in my own self pitty for a while and woke up to horrible alternating dreams of people using me and fantasy lives where I was loved, thus continuing the tradition of the past few days. So right now pretty much the only thing that brings me serious joy is fixing things around here and even there half of the fun is probably the distinct possibility that I'll electrocute myself and end my misery (you try finding what circuit breakers control what around this code violating dump).

1-24-02

Friend wise I'm pretty barren. I don't really feel there's anybody I can be completely open and honest with in my life right now. Hell, I even have to censor what I say here. I can't even put up some lyrics I wrote recently on the off chance that any individuals from Chateau should see it. I honestly don't think that if I ever became a hermit and stopped going outdoors anybody would make any effort whatsoever to contact me socially. I really could just vanish and nobody would notice much. Sure everybody would be pissed that I wasn't around to let them in their rooms, get tools for them, or fix things, but on a pure "I want to see andhang out with Nicolai" basis I would get nobody who cared enough to visit me. Most of the time everything I say gets completely ignored anyway. People just don't react or respond to anything I say except to occasionally cut me down.

Money wise I'm not doing so well either. I really have not too much to do at work right now so I'm not going that much and in terms of spending money, well that just keeps happening. I really need to become a drug dealer or something. I'm certainly around enough and people don't have any problems bugging me at all hours of the day for stupid shit anyway so I might as well at least make a little money off of it.

1-16-02

It's funny. At this point I feel so very unloved. There are all these good feelings going around, but every time I'm around Andrea she has to make me into some horrible villain and spoil shit. She of course ends up looking a lot better than me and it just sucks. I really don't think I can call her friend anymore. And Jenn, well I still love Jenn, but I think I finally am getting over her. I saw her yesterday and I'm not sure if I just don't want to feel that kind of thing anymore or my love for her really has diminished, but it wasn't the same. All the other times even if I thought I was getting a bit better it would all come back and be the same, but this time though I loved her it wasn't the same. It was lesser. I really think I just don't want her interfering with what I've got going on even if it is this feeling of being unloved and being the victim of Andrea's nastiness. I just don't think I can handle it anymore and I don't want my actually getting over her spoiled. I don't wat to trek down that long road to recovery again.

1-13-02

1-12-02

First the shrooms. I ended up taking 3/32nds, which is 50% more than I took last time and it fucked me up bad. For a few hours there I was rediscovering concepts such as words, reality, and people as entities with names and I relived my young childhood being taken to Beachcomber's only with Andrea and Christina as my lesbian mommies and the Volvo as the family car. Apparently I was drooling on myself, babbling incoherently, and couldn't walk for a while. The two of them started later than I did and took about half of what I took each, so they were pretty with it. I discovered the magic of human touch on shrooms. Godamn, holding Christina's hand and frolicking amongst the desert plants was intense!

Oh yeah, did I mention this was all at Joshua Tree? Godamn desert is crazy insane on shrooms! The place is already naturally really cool, but once you throw hallucinogens into the mix you get fucking weird results. Eventually when I came to and regained my powers of speech and some degree of sanity we had found this cool out of the way turnoff and took a crazy hike into a little valley between some mountains. We just stayed there the whole day until we were almost back to normal and then took off down South.

Next day we did Mexico going from Calexico through Tijuana on down to Rosarita. The godamned highway cost fucking $11 in tolls by the time we reached the other side. $11 for getting to see all these errie crosses and names with dates of people who died all along the side.

In Rosarita we got a few drinks and headed back for the border. I got myself this cool pipe with a freaky ass face on the front for $11, bargained down from $15. It's been so long it's so nice to get back into the habit of bargaining. Fun as Christ.

Oh, so back to the shrooms. It was a lot less warm and fuzzy than than the last time I took them. Christina throwing a temper tantrum because I couldn't be taken out of the car and calling me a jerk really got me upset for a bit and a lot of the trip was nervous and uncomfortable because I was aware of the possibility of getting caught. The whole thing seems to have made the three of us a lot closer for some reason.

Along with cool and freaky stuff I had a revelation which kind of has been in the back of my mind for a while. I am pretty alone in this world. I have absolutely nobody that I can really relate to. Christina and Andrea are cool and all and I love them, but they don't really understand me. Even basic communication is often really insane because they take things I say in a meaning and intention that I did not have when saying them. For some reason there's something about me that's really insencere. Maybe people are just not used to dealing with people who are almost always really and truly sincere and not putting on an act to look more so. So at any rate, I've kind of lost touch for all practical purposes with my friends from high school (people appropriately fatalistic for me), Jenn's gone from my life (and she only even semi-understood my fatalistic side), and I have nobody else at Chateau or anywhere else who I really feel is on the same wavelength as me.

And speaking of Jenn, you know what's sad? I've for the past 2 weeks or so not contacted her to see whatwould happen after I noticed that I was always the one who initiated contact. Well she hasn't made any attempt whatsoever to talk to me at all. She hasn't mentioned anything related to me on her web site either. That just kind of hurts. And to think that two weeks ago she told me she thought that she would always love me. I come back and all I find is spam and a single message for my roommate.

So I guess I'm alone in the world again one weird ass trip (well two trips really ;)) later. Hmm, i have to say that i already miss all of the physical contact (hugs, massages, and sleeping together for warmth and space) even I only left for Berkeley a few hours ago.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sometimes I really just feel like screaming out loud to get it all out. I had a nice intense crying session from a post shroom mood swing about the loneliness thing, but that didn't actually solve things in and real way.

So sad, so sad...

1-5-02

Well, on to Dante's Inferno and onto LA. May not be updating the ol' site for a little bit.

1-4-02

What I wouldn't give for some nice frolicking. Just some crazy adventures and some lighthearted sexual play. What I wouldn't give to have no attachtments, legal or emotional. I really did miss my chance as a jeuvenile to be delinquent. Why did I have to be responsible during the one period of life when I could get away with being irresponsible even if caught? Ah, well, maybe I'll go be a gutter punk or something next spring. I've been curious to try for a while now. If I'm ever going to go back to school I don't want to wait too long or my rents might refuse to back it financially and then I'd be in debt for the rest of my life or somesuch.

1-3-02

I finally got myself a multimeter and a cheap wire stripper.

Hmm, sadly that's all I did today. God I hate my life.

1-3-02

1-1-02

Oh, and my parents sold my car for $450 without asking me. I told them I wouldn't want to sell it for less than $600 so they're giving me that much. Seems fair, so I'll go for it. The money will be sweet. And thus I say goodbye to the Banshee, my Ghetto Mobile. Alas, you left too soon. Two and a half years it's been. Still, I'm sure that car has a few good years left. It's only 17. Farewell!

12-31-01

12-29-01

See the way I figure it having kids is pretty highly immoral. You're doing something that so seriously effects somebody and in such a detrimental and nasty way that it's not the sort of thing you can do without consulting that person. The only ethical solution is to not have kids so that you can't do that to them.

A vasectomy is just the thing I need as it's pretty much irreversible, so if I become a wanker later on and decide that I want to have kids it's too late. Plus, while I don't see sex, me, and a human female meeting again for a very long time if ever I'd still much rather be able to go for it with one less worry to have to deal with. I never actually came in Jenn without a condom on (AFTER we broke up is when she started taking the pill. hmmm..., fuck me!), but it's definitely something I'd like.

12-27-01

So this leaves but 3 (it's actually the 28th as I write this) days until my birthday. I have so far amassed a total of two presents and have zero plans for the big day whatsoever. If you're looking for something to give me though, I'll give you a hint. Shotguns are big this season. Hint, hint. The kiss of sweet death would be some birthday present. I'm somewhat close to approaching getting near happiness, but even that is only a very temporary thing I'm sure. Life, love, and all the other crap that comes with all that stuff sucks. A nice new blanket, some fun in L.A., and briwats from my mother are really not worth all of the shit that life has to offer.

12-27-01

12-27-01

I also just moved several months worth of crap over to the archives. It's amazing how time flies. Oh, and I finally marginally updated the rest of this site to reflect the fact that Jenn is no longer my girlfriend. There's still crap up about her, but it's just clea rthat she's my ex now.

12-26-01

A lot of the stuff in the Single Girl Files might not seem so absurd... if you don't actually know Jenn. It's like reading somebody totally different talking about a completely removed past. When bitching about no longer being my lover on rainy days she says "Well -- along with jumping in puddles and singing in the rain, the joy of this weather used to be cuddling up in down-comforters. Or when the scent dried rain in his hair smelled worn, but tender and comforting. Or when his pockets became my pockets and his warm breath heated my fingers.". Now I don't know who the fuck she's talking about, but it sure as hell wasn't the two of us! I never did that shit! She was the portable heater that I always warmed my cold ass body on and I don't ever remember jumping in puddles! And the journal's full of crap like that that might approach sounding poetic, but is a complete and utter fiction. Maybe those are stories from her roommate who she's started dressing and acting like right down to the knee high boots.

It's pathetic. Jenn used to be a whole fuck of a lot more honest with herself than this. And of course there's no mention whatsoever of things like the two of us shacking up a week or two ago and attempting to get back together for a day until she changed her mind, no mention that she still loves me, no mention of any issues with her assertion that if she doesn't set a goal of 3 months to be single that she'll just fall in love with some other guy again, no anything. Reading the thing I get the idea that this would be somebody I'd hate, some cruel, cold-hearted bitch. I know she's not that way, but it kind of hurts that the outward face she's putting on her feelings towards me are of indifference, that it's only the being single part she minds, but nothing particular to me, just that of course I did lousy things and am entirely at fault. There are none of the admissions she's made to me that it almost entirely her fault or anything.

Gah! People suck!

It's all so very infuriating, so on to other, brighter things.

Sadly enough, a brighter thing is that my hand smells like shit, or rather potatoes, onions, and grease. I just came back from unclogging Kat's friend's sink. They put potato peels down the garbage disposal and apparently they swell up in water and clog. Nothing a coat hanger and an electrical snake can't fix.

Another brighter thing is that I found a flea on me yesterday and I have a bitchload of flea bites. I think Karl Marx (cat that used to belong to Dave Palmer, the heroin addict we kicked out) doesn't have a flea collar. Regardless of the cause I think I'm going to sleep in my room for a while and start taking showers at least once a day until that's all sorted out. It's a measure both so I don't get any more and so I don't spread them. I don't think fleas can really live in a person who takes regular showers, but it couldn't hurt to change my bedding and wash my trench coat as well.

On a similar thread, today I began my quest for flannel. I went to Target, Ross, and Bed Bath and Beyond looking for flannel sheets, a flannel comforter, and flannel pajama bottoms. I fell in love with the stuff after experiencing Christina's flannel comforter and sheets. They're so unbelievably godamned soft and warm. It's like nothing I've ever felt before and I must make it mine, all mine, muahahahaha!

But I digress. At any rate, at Ross I found a comforter that was polyester flannel (bah!) and even less at the second Ross I visited. Fortunately I made off with a pair of nice, thick 100% cotton flannel pajama bottoms (soft as Christ himself) for $8. Everywhere had sheet,s but I didn't want to buy any without first getting the matching comforter. Target had but the sheets in spite of having the comforters of the same pattern on their web site (they carried the same pattern and as Christina has, so I figured it must be just as soft). Bed Bath and Beyond had cloth woven of the finest gold and oil or so I assume with prices of over $100 for half of their sheet sets (note, nice, 100% cotton flannel sheet sets are under $15 at Ross). I didn't even bother checking if they had what I wanted as comforter prices were similarly absurd.

So after coming home dejected I checked online to interesting effect. I could order the Target stuff online which was a possibility except that with S&H a twin comforter would be well over $40 and be some ass pattern (i.e. the cloud pattern Christina has which is quite well and good if you're a person who likes stereotypically girly things (note: not knocking it, it's just not for me). Finally I found this beautiful specimin at SmartBargains. It's got a reasonably decent pattern that should be easy to find matching flannel sheets to, is 100% cotton flannel (filled with polyester) and all sizes are $30. Needless to say that after strugling a bit with nutscrape incompatibilities and an error in their account sign-up form I ordered myself a kingsize version.

I also got fresh batteries for my flashlights. All in all a very productive day aside from Jenn godamns. I'm sitting here with a tape measure and wondering at just how big and beautiful 102x86in is.

Muahahaha! Today Poland, tomorrow the world!

12-25-01

12-25-01

I found a heating pad in the free box. It's amazing what people throw out. It had no cover, but I've got an extra pillow case, so that works. It's a lot better than my desk lamp which I've been using a lot. Also found a really long phone cord that somebody threw out just because the RJ-11 connection on one end is missing. Silly rabbit.

Looks like Christina may be backing out of going to LA with me to stay with Andrea for a week or so. That would be a shame, cause I really wanted to shroom with them. Plus, getting out of this town for a few days would really do me some good and at least if I'm not going to have snow I could stand to get rid of the cold and have some friends of mine around. I miss them. It'd be different if I was back in Philly, but here I just have a small subset of people who aren't exactly my closest friends to begin with. Oh well, life's a bitch. It could still happen.

Well kiddies, I'm off to go take a shower now. Can't delay forever. That turkey's going to be ready any day now.

12-23-01

12-22-01

Gave up on Lolita today. Too slow. Started Frankenstein. My previous thoughts of lousy morals against messing in God's domain and knowledge being evil have been confirmed. Oddly enough there's a great quote in the beginning from Paradise Lost:

Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay
To mould me Man, did I solicit thee
From darkness to promote me?

Mary Shelley seems to have missed the implications against the ethicacy of creation by a god and applied it only to man creating life. Regardless, it's a good quote, quite valid, and basically the reason why I refuse to have kids. I really should look into a vasectomy so I can end my line here and now. I don't know about it if it changes my cum, but if it doesn't, then and doesn't cost too much, then why the fuck not?

It's funny. I've accidentally been physically addicted to pretty hefty doses of caffeine and overcome it with no real problem. Warping reality is a fuck of a lot more addictive by far. It's been 2 days since I tried shrooms and I have to say that the urge to try them again was having me seriously consider swearing them off entirely. The knowledge that I will do them again in another two weeks or so has me at least reasonably satisfied though and I figure the novelty will wear out, plus they're pretty expensive and very seasonal, so it should all be good.

I just drank a cup of cava tea somebody made to see how it was and this shit's knocking me out like crazy. I must remember not to ever drink any again, though it has delightfully numbed a cold sore on my tongue.

12-21-01

• Still love and miss Jenn horribly
• Have messed around and tried to find affection/other Jenn substitutes, much of which I regret
• Experimented kissing guys at some Wilde party, didn't get much out of it, but I was really drunk
• Dropped out of school. There's a good chance I'll go back next year, but who knows, eh?
• Got elected maintenace manager of Le Chateau for next semester, so I get half rent credit which is good
• Tried smoking and snorting tweak. It was fun. Interesting sleep induced hallucinations from staying up 3 days straight.
• Tried shrooms yesterday. That's fresh enough and cool enough that I want to talk about it below.

Shrooms are incredibly cool. I very much recommend them. They are entirely unlike any other drug that I have tried. They don't just make you feel a certain way or impair/enhance any mental functions, but rather they entirely change the world. It's like a cartoon in terms of what's possible, only real. Things look like claymation out of the Nightmare Before Christmas or Beetlegeuse. Everything's plastic. You can bend and shape reality. And you gain the ability to meld into things and feel them. The world is warm and friendly. People become animals. Reality is entirely different. It was afuckingmazing. I definitely intend to do it again, but I can see how it could be psychologically adictive. This morning when I woke up I had a very strong urge to tell reality to fuck off and eat 2/3 of an 1/8th. They're expensive enough and rare enough throughout most of the year to stop me from becoming permantently shroomy even if it wasn't for other factors.

It really made me miss Jenn afterwards though. I did it alone (with Christina as my babysitter) and I was thinking that making love to somebody on shrooms would be incredible. It would be such a fantastic sense of oneness. Next time I'm shrooming with other people and outside somewhere with trees, though I don't regret doing it in Chateau. It gave the place an entirely different character, made it very funhouse like. I felt as if I was in Alice in Wonderland or something. Oh, and next time I'm upping the dose, but I think I'm going to at least wait until the shroom afterglow fades. Doing a drug again while coming down from it seems too much like the path to addiction. Plus I don't want to fuck up any seratonin related parts of my brain too much.

At any rate, I feel good about my progress in my quest to try out all sorts of drugs. That's 2 new drugs in as many months and I'm working on getting other stuff. I'll put it up when I do it.

Oh, and finally, a while ago I recorded Breakup and here are the lyrics. It's hardly my best performance by any means, but I was impressed by the way this laptop mic picked up the sound. God I hate my voice. I always forget how much it sucks until I record something and then realize that yes, it is just that nasal and annoying.

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